


Random deh stuff

by anagramsarealwaysupsidedown



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Tree Bros, convan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-01
Updated: 2018-05-08
Packaged: 2019-04-16 20:41:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14172984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anagramsarealwaysupsidedown/pseuds/anagramsarealwaysupsidedown
Summary: Deh characters as things my friends have said





	1. Deh characters as things my friends have said

**Author's Note:**

> These arent actually stories, just funny things like "deh groupchat" or "deh characters search history" so read with caution

Evan: I walk into class, yogurt in hand, crying

Jared: You're not my mom

Alana: I got 197 on my exam!!! Oh wait it's out of 200

Connor: I'm just gay

Jared: Are potatoes acidic

Evan: Wait how do you write an MLA heading?  
Jared: Heh, nerd

Evan: I love how we're all making weed jokes when none of us have even /seen/ any form of drug in real life  
Connor: Speak for yourself  
Evan: What?  
Connor: SPEAK FOR YOUSELF

Jared: Hah all of us have daddy issues  
Alana: Excuse me I have a great relationship with my father

Evan: Sheith or Klance  
Connor: Bless you???

Jared: Shrek and Leonardo DiCaprio have the same amount of Oscars

Zoe: I JUST FINISHED THE SOUNDTRACK AND AIDHFBDKOSOWKWBDHRUR E m O t I o N s

Connor: IM TRYING TO EXPRESS TO YOU HOW I FEEL BUT I MIGHT JUST SCREAM WHEN I SEE YOU IN THE MORNING

Jared: YEEAAAHHH BOIIIIIIIIII

*Evan and Connor kiss*  
Jared: What are you, gay?


	2. Deh groupchat

Jared- theinsanelycooljaredkleinman  
Connor- ur mom  
Evan- evan_hansen  
Zoe- ur dad  
Alana- i'll stab you in the BECK

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman has entered the chat at 1:36am

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman: WHATS UP FUCKERS

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman: helloooooo

ur mom has entered the chat at 1:37am

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman: o wait none of you are up lol

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman: wait if no one is up i can say whatever the fuck i want to and just delete it!!!!11!1!!!!!!!1!

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman: i like to eat bathbombs

ur mom: holy shit jared im screenshoting this

ur mom has taken a screenshot

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman: i swear to god connor i will come over there and murder you

ur mom: im gonna have to pass on that

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman: hkkksdhj who are you and what have you done with connor

ur mom: evans asleep right now so if you came over and killed me he would wake up

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman: hahah gayyyyyy

ur mom: i stg jared

ur mom: okay im going to sleep now bye nerd

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman: fine then, be that way

ur mom has left the chat at 1:46am

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman: well now its time to delete everything and make it look like connor is schizophrenic

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman has left the chat at 1:49am

ur dad has entered the chat at 10:31am

i'll stab you in the BECK has entered the chat at 10:31am

i'll stab you in the BECK: hey zo can you send me the notes from AP geo please

ur dad: sure thing lana

ur dad has sent an image

ur mom has entered the chat at 10:32am

ur mom: get a room

ur dad: you get a room

ur mom: i did

ur dad: wait what???

ur mom: did you ever see evan leave

ur mom: i think not

ur dad: :0 is evan here???

evan_hansen has entered the chat at 10:35am

evan_hansen: yes

ur dad: wait,,,,,,

ur dad: did you two????

ur dad: fuck?????

i'll stab you in the BECK: ZOE!!! Thats not something you can ask people!!!

ur dad: its chill hes my bro

evan_hansen: we did NOT

ur mom: hes lying we did

ur mom: that was mean

ur dad: what was that

evan_hansen: i hit connor and moved across the room

ur mom: ;(

ur mom: wait wheres jared

ur dad: o shit yeah is he dead or smthn

i'll stab you in the BECK: hes probably not dead zoe

evan_hansen: im gonna go find him

ur mom: no evy stay and come back and cuddle

evan_hansen: after i find jared ok

ur mom: fine

evan_hansen has left the chat at 10:57am

evan_hansen has entered the chat at 11:04

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman has entered the chat at 11:04

evan_hansen: he was asleep

ur mom: wow jared

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman: shut up


	3. This is not how dear evan hansen happened

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I try and write something cohesive

Connor didn't know what he was doing. He had been thinking about killing himself for who knows how long, but now he was convinced he could do it. It was Saturday. No one was home because Zoe was at a friends house, and both parents had gone out to do partner yoga.

He put some things in his car before he left. Rope, paper, etc. He decided the best place to do it was somewhere where he wouldn't be found. He remembered the old orchard his family used to go to, and figured it was perfect sense it was closed down.

It was dead silent as he drove, the only sound was the low hum of Connor's car. Nervous thoughts filled his head as he slowly approached the orchard. What someone's there? What if I just hang there in agony for hours because I suck at trying knots? What if-

Connor was interrupted from these ideas as he realized he passed the orchard.

"Shit!" He yelled as he screeched the car to a stop.

It didn't really matter. No one was around. So he quickly made a U-turn and headed back to the orchard.

When he arrived he noticed another car. Connor dismissed it however, he was too wrapped up in his thoughts to care.

He walked for a good fifteen minutes, just looking around and smelling the fresh, clean air. Maybe life wasn't so bad. Maybe he could just live here and occasionally sneak into town to buy food.

No. He couldn't think like this. He had to die.

Finally Connor sat down, feeling restless. He thought about what he'd miss. This list, unsurprisingly was quite short.

He'd miss doing drugs. Drugs always made him feel disconnected. He liked it. It was like an escape. No one could judge him if he was high. They'd just think he was high and couldn't think straight. Which he actually /couldn't/ think straight, high or not.

He'd known he was gay for quite awhile. He finally realized it when he noticed he wasn't watching Grey's Anatomy for the surgery. Connor had never told anyone, or liked anyone for that matter. Maybe he did, but he just didn't realize it. There was one boy he could always make his heart rate rise and his cheeks flush. He'd known him since second grade, but never really paid attention to him 'til that year. 

Evan. Evan Hansen. His dirty blonde hair and freckles were the cutest thing. Plus, he had this laugh that could make it feel like time stopped. And even though some might find it annoying, Connor always really liked his stutter.

Lost in thought, Connor failed to notice that exact boy standing next to him.

"Connor?" Evan said confused.

His heart raced. What was Evan doing here? Did he follow him? Was he already here? Why was he here? It's Saturday, who comes to an abandoned orchard on a Saturday?

"E-Evan, what uh-what are you doing here?" Connor spat out quickly.

He prayed Evan didn't notice the rope.

"I like to, well uh this sounds sorta dumb but I like to come here on weekends and climb trees."

"Oh, you do? That's interesting. I was- I was gonna do the same thing!" Connor lied.

Evan's face seemed to light up at that.

"Really? Do you come here often? I've never seen you here, and I come almost ever Saturday."

"Oh, no. I don't usually come here."

"So Connor-" Evan sat down next to him, "-I didn't know you liked climbing trees."

"I usually don't. I just was bored and thought it might be fun to try it."

"Oh. Okay. Whatcha got there?"

Connor felt his face heat up. He had started writing his suicide note but didn't finish.

"Dear Evan Hansen- wait, is this to me?"

What could Connor say?'oh yeah I'm addressing my suicide note to you because I feel like you're the only person who would give a shit if I died'

" I uh, erm well I-" Connor sighed. He couldn't believe he was doing this." I was going to write you a note because I- because I like you Evan."

Evan couldn't believe it. He felt his heart practically leap out of his chest. The boy he'd been crushing on since freshman year, Connor Murphy, actually liked him back? It was like God decided to give Evan a break today.

Connor could his heart beating he was so anxious.

Then he felt Evan's lips against his. Connor was so surprised he couldn't move. They just stayed there for what felt like forever but really was just a few brief moments.

Connor pulled away first.

Evan chuckled softly.

"I like you too."

 

They spent the rest of that Saturday afternoon just talking and laughing, letting the world pass by.

And by the end of it, Connor had forgotten all about his original plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this was bad, I tried. I don't think this is good. It's very cliche.


	4. Deh characters as things my friends have said (part 2)

Evan: You're eyes are blue but they change from a bright blue to a faded blue on the edges. And then you have this amber spot on one of them that sort of glows. They're really pretty. I love your eyes, they just compliment everything about your face.  
Connor: You're eyes are..... blue

Cynthia: Please sleep  
Connor: Sleep? What's that? Is it like a clothing brand or something?

Zoe: When I first listened to Apex Predator I was really tired so I thought the lyrics were "will she braid your hair, will she eat your hair"

Evan: Give me back my honey crisp apple!  
Jared: Why didn't you just say apple what the heck

Connor: I swear I will slit your nostrils

Evan: I'm worried about my succulents

Connor: Florida, the sunshine state

Alana: I've never not turned in homework

Evan: I'm really happy about my cilantro because apparently cilantro is really difficult to grow so I've just been managing it a lot and it is thriving

Connor: That's a big dog *looking at a picture of a buffalo*  
Connor: That's a small horse *looking at a picture of a dog*

Evan: It's first period! If you eat your lunch now you'll be hangry later!

Jared: Lizards are just upgraded snakes

Jared: If snakes can't hold hands how do they show they love each other

Zoe:My brother had friends over and I didn’t really want to ask them if I could change the channel to watch a broadway actor because they were tall and intimidating

Evan(to Connor): 3 tol 5 me

Jared: You can't out yote me  
Connor: Cri, ur write

Connor: yes, eys, sye, yse, sey, esy  
Zoe: Jesus I'm not listening to you. I'm gonna go watch The Great British Baking Show

Connor: Pain is life  
Evan: I'm not talking to you anymore

Evan: Are you chewing on a plastic fork?  
Jared: Nooooo....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha keep in mind me and my friends are 13yo going to a Catholic school so our sense of humour is pretty dumb

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you found this funny but you probably didn't. Hopefully ill add more chapters but theres a high possibility i won't


End file.
